| Back in the day, people who had some kind of | | | | boys resourcefulness. |
| strange, unknown ailment were generally taken | | | | |
| to the ocean for the summer. Illnesses | | | | Only once did Little Grandma go to the pier |
| miraculously disappeared over a stay at the | | | | to fetch the boys. One of the summer girls |
| ocean. And every year like clockwork, right | | | | came to give their hourly report. |
| about the time my dad and his brothers were | | | | |
| out of elementary school, Little Grandma | | | | "George is waiting for Richard with a |
| would get the vapors. Now I'm not quite sure | | | | hammer," one of the summer girls reported. |
| what the vapors were, but she always got them | | | | |
| nonetheless. So at school's end all three | | | | "What did you say?" asked a shocked Little |
| boys and Little Grandma would be driven to | | | | Grandma. |
| the ocean and dropped off at the small wooden | | | | |
| cabin. | | | | "George is waiting for Richard with a hammer. |
| | | | Richard made fun of George's hair in front |
| Little Grandma was a little wisp of a woman. | | | | of a girl and now George is waiting at the |
| She was 4' 8" with a tiny swirling mess of | | | | top of the doorway for Richard with a hammer. |
| white hair tossed into a bun. But don't let | | | | Said he's gonna drop it on his big fat |
| her size kid you. When she was at home, she | | | | melon," she said nonchalantly. |
| could wring the neck of two squawking | | | | |
| chickens at the same time, then chase down | | | | Little Grandma stomped out of the ocean cabin |
| the headless bodies and pluck the feathers in | | | | with her black sensible shoes, her angry |
| sixty seconds flat. She'd throw them in a | | | | shoeprints marking her route in the sand. At |
| pot and have dinner ready in thirty minutes | | | | first, when she arrived at the pier, she |
| with heaping helpings of mashed potatoes and | | | | didn't see any of the boys, only dating |
| biscuits on the side. | | | | couples and sailors. But then her fast eye |
| | | | caught George crouched above the doorway to |
| She always wore her sensible black lace up | | | | the bathroom, his shadow looking like a |
| shoes, which would soon come to be known in | | | | vulture waiting to pounce upon its prey, she |
| family lore as The Hammer Shoes. She wore | | | | noticed that he indeed had a hammer ready to |
| the Hammer Shoes constantly, whatever the | | | | drop. |
| weather, and even when she strode along the | | | | |
| beach. You wouldn't catch her barefoot or | | | | Richard and Harold were nowhere to be seen |
| even near the water. The boys would try to | | | | and George, owing to his single-minded |
| talk her into the water but she always said, | | | | concentration, failed to notice Little |
| "The only good thing that comes out of the | | | | Grandma standing about twelve feet from him, |
| ocean is dinner and mermaids, and you don't | | | | madder than a hornet. To think her grand |
| need any mermaids." | | | | boys were out in public acting like the Three |
| | | | Stooges. No one misbehaved under Little |
| She generally had the boys under some kind of | | | | Grandma's watch. |
| chaotic control. She had to, being the only | | | | |
| adult figure for the summer. And the boys | | | | Then the door squeaked beneath George as |
| couldn't put anything past Little Grandma. | | | | Richard and Harold emerged from the bathroom. |
| Before the nefarious trio could come in for | | | | They didn't see George above the doorway |
| dinner, she would make each of them turn out | | | | readying the big drop on Richard's head. |
| their pockets. Harold was the youngest. You | | | | |
| could always be sure that Harold's pockets, | | | | They had never seen Little Grandma run |
| when turned out, were full of food and sand. | | | | before, and now knew why the chickens never |
| He'd have bits of bacon from breakfast 'that | | | | had a chance. George lost his balance in |
| he saved just in case he got hungry' | | | | slow motion as Richard and Harold stepped |
| intermingled with sand and bits of crust from | | | | aside when they caught sight of Little |
| the sandwich from lunch. One time he lined | | | | Grandma coming at them like a torpedo. And |
| his pocket with cello wrap and tried to pour | | | | then it happened; George landed on top of |
| orange pop into his pocket, it didn't work. | | | | Little Grandma, her little stubby legs |
| | | | jackknifing into the sea air as one of her |
| Richard and George, who were a little older | | | | sensible shoes flew off the side of the pier |
| than Harold, had entirely different contents | | | | and into the wide Pacific. |
| in their pockets, which Little Grandma was | | | | |
| always wary of. Their pockets always | | | | George froze. Richard froze. Harold froze. |
| wriggled with something and smelled like | | | | And Little Grandma didn't. |
| rotten fish. Not only that, there were | | | | |
| usually hermit crab claws sticking out of the | | | | She grabbed one of George's ears and with the |
| top hem of the pocket. | | | | other determined hand grabbed hold of |
| | | | Richard's ear and in one fell swoop pulled |
| Each morning, Little Grandma would feed the | | | | them both off the ground. With as much |
| boys biscuits and jam, sometimes an egg with | | | | dignity as she could muster, she limped off |
| bacon, then would send them on their way for | | | | with one sensible shoe an ear in each little |
| the day. "Watch little Harold!" she would | | | | pinched hand. Now they knew how the chickens |
| yell as they went running up the beach toward | | | | felt. |
| the pier. Those boys would run out that door | | | | |
| with dried milk moustaches and their hair | | | | "Grandma, your shoe is floating in the |
| sticking up in all different directions. "Be | | | | water," Harold shouted, playing the role of |
| home by suppertime!" | | | | "the good one." |
| | | | |
| George, Richard, and Harold would grab their | | | | Little Grandma didn't say a word. She just |
| fishing poles, a can full of worms, and run | | | | limped up the beach with two ears and Harold |
| all the way to the pier. They weren't bad | | | | trailing behind her. |
| boys, just full of boyness and mischief. | | | | |
| They always thought that Little Grandma never | | | | George and Richard hung out around the cabin |
| knew what they were up to but she had her | | | | the rest of the summer, except for a few |
| ring of spies down at the pier. | | | | hours each morning when they would pack up |
| | | | their fishing poles and catch some fish to |
| Unbeknownst to the three musky-teers, she had | | | | sell to the ladies with big straw hats. You |
| the summer girls (the ones who loved to | | | | see, they had to pay for a new pair of shoes |
| tattle and gossip) give her a report every | | | | for Little Grandma. And by the end of the |
| hour about her grandsons. "George pinched | | | | summer, when Little Grandma had her new |
| Harold" one of them would say, "and Harold | | | | shoes, she made sure to let the boys know |
| pushed him off the pier." "They're catching | | | | that as nice and as new as they were, they |
| fish and selling them for five cents apiece | | | | were never as comfortable as her hammer |
| to the ladies with the big straw hats." | | | | shoes. |
| Little Grandma would secretly smile at the | | | | |