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Little Wisp of a Grandma

Back in the day, people who had some kind ofboys  resourcefulness.
strange, unknown ailment were generally taken
to the ocean for the summer. IllnessesOnly once did Little Grandma go to the pier
miraculously disappeared over a stay at theto fetch the boys. One of the summer girls
ocean. And every year like clockwork, rightcame  to  give  their  hourly  report.
about the time my dad and his brothers were
out of elementary school, Little Grandma"George is waiting for Richard with a
would get the vapors. Now I'm not quite surehammer,"  one  of  the summer girls reported.
what the vapors were, but she always got them
nonetheless. So at school's end all three"What did you say?" asked a shocked Little
boys and Little Grandma would be driven toGrandma.
the ocean and dropped off at the small wooden
cabin."George is waiting for Richard with a hammer.
Richard made fun of George's hair in front
Little Grandma was a little wisp of a woman.of a girl and now George is waiting at the
She was 4' 8" with a tiny swirling mess oftop of the doorway for Richard with a hammer.
white hair tossed into a bun. But don't letSaid he's gonna drop it on his big fat
her size kid you. When she was at home, shemelon,"  she  said  nonchalantly.
could wring the neck of two squawking
chickens at the same time, then chase downLittle Grandma stomped out of the ocean cabin
the headless bodies and pluck the feathers inwith her black sensible shoes, her angry
sixty seconds flat. She'd throw them in ashoeprints marking her route in the sand. At
pot and have dinner ready in thirty minutesfirst, when she arrived at the pier, she
with heaping helpings of mashed potatoes anddidn't see any of the boys, only dating
biscuits  on  the  side.couples and sailors. But then her fast eye
caught George crouched above the doorway to
She always wore her sensible black lace upthe bathroom, his shadow looking like a
shoes, which would soon come to be known invulture waiting to pounce upon its prey, she
family lore as The Hammer Shoes. She worenoticed that he indeed had a hammer ready to
the Hammer Shoes constantly, whatever thedrop.
weather, and even when she strode along the
beach. You wouldn't catch her barefoot orRichard and Harold were nowhere to be seen
even near the water. The boys would try toand George, owing to his single-minded
talk her into the water but she always said,concentration, failed to notice Little
"The only good thing that comes out of theGrandma standing about twelve feet from him,
ocean is dinner and mermaids, and you don'tmadder than a hornet. To think her grand
need  any  mermaids."boys were out in public acting like the Three
Stooges. No one misbehaved under Little
She generally had the boys under some kind ofGrandma's  watch.
chaotic control. She had to, being the only
adult figure for the summer. And the boysThen the door squeaked beneath George as
couldn't put anything past Little Grandma.Richard and Harold emerged from the bathroom.
Before the nefarious trio could come in forThey didn't see George above the doorway
dinner, she would make each of them turn outreadying  the  big  drop  on  Richard's head.
their pockets. Harold was the youngest. You
could always be sure that Harold's pockets,They had never seen Little Grandma run
when turned out, were full of food and sand.before, and now knew why the chickens never
He'd have bits of bacon from breakfast 'thathad a chance. George lost his balance in
he saved just in case he got hungry'slow motion as Richard and Harold stepped
intermingled with sand and bits of crust fromaside when they caught sight of Little
the sandwich from lunch. One time he linedGrandma coming at them like a torpedo. And
his pocket with cello wrap and tried to pourthen it happened; George landed on top of
orange  pop  into his pocket, it didn't work.Little Grandma, her little stubby legs
jackknifing into the sea air as one of her
Richard and George, who were a little oldersensible shoes flew off the side of the pier
than Harold, had entirely different contentsand  into  the  wide  Pacific.
in their pockets, which Little Grandma was
always wary of. Their pockets alwaysGeorge froze. Richard froze. Harold froze.
wriggled with something and smelled likeAnd  Little  Grandma  didn't.
rotten fish. Not only that, there were
usually hermit crab claws sticking out of theShe grabbed one of George's ears and with the
top  hem  of  the  pocket.other determined hand grabbed hold of
Richard's ear and in one fell swoop pulled
Each morning, Little Grandma would feed thethem both off the ground. With as much
boys biscuits and jam, sometimes an egg withdignity as she could muster, she limped off
bacon, then would send them on their way forwith one sensible shoe an ear in each little
the day. "Watch little Harold!" she wouldpinched hand. Now they knew how the chickens
yell as they went running up the beach towardfelt.
the pier. Those boys would run out that door
with dried milk moustaches and their hair"Grandma, your shoe is floating in the
sticking up in all different directions. "Bewater," Harold shouted, playing the role of
home  by  suppertime!""the  good  one."
George, Richard, and Harold would grab theirLittle Grandma didn't say a word. She just
fishing poles, a can full of worms, and runlimped up the beach with two ears and Harold
all the way to the pier. They weren't badtrailing  behind  her.
boys, just full of boyness and mischief.
They always thought that Little Grandma neverGeorge and Richard hung out around the cabin
knew what they were up to but she had herthe rest of the summer, except for a few
ring  of  spies  down  at  the  pier.hours each morning when they would pack up
their fishing poles and catch some fish to
Unbeknownst to the three musky-teers, she hadsell to the ladies with big straw hats. You
the summer girls (the ones who loved tosee, they had to pay for a new pair of shoes
tattle and gossip) give her a report everyfor Little Grandma. And by the end of the
hour about her grandsons. "George pinchedsummer, when Little Grandma had her new
Harold" one of them would say, "and Haroldshoes, she made sure to let the boys know
pushed him off the pier." "They're catchingthat as nice and as new as they were, they
fish and selling them for five cents apiecewere never as comfortable as her hammer
to the ladies with the big straw hats."shoes.
Little Grandma would secretly smile at the



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