| Back in the day, people who had some kind of | | | | Harold pushed him off the pier." "They're catching fish |
| strange, unknown ailment were generally taken to the | | | | and selling them for five cents apiece to the ladies with |
| ocean for the summer. Illnesses miraculously | | | | the big straw hats." Little Grandma would secretly |
| disappeared over a stay at the ocean. And every | | | | smile at the boys resourcefulness. |
| year like clockwork, right about the time my dad and | | | | Only once did Little Grandma go to the pier to fetch |
| his brothers were out of elementary school, Little | | | | the boys. One of the summer girls came to give their |
| Grandma would get the vapors. Now I'm not quite sure | | | | hourly report. |
| what the vapors were, but she always got them | | | | "George is waiting for Richard with a hammer," one of |
| nonetheless. So at school's end all three boys and Little | | | | the summer girls reported. |
| Grandma would be driven to the ocean and dropped | | | | "What did you say?" asked a shocked Little Grandma. |
| off at the small wooden cabin. | | | | "George is waiting for Richard with a hammer. Richard |
| Little Grandma was a little wisp of a woman. She was | | | | made fun of George's hair in front of a girl and now |
| 4' 8" with a tiny swirling mess of white hair tossed into | | | | George is waiting at the top of the doorway for |
| a bun. But don't let her size kid you. When she was at | | | | Richard with a hammer. Said he's gonna drop it on his |
| home, she could wring the neck of two squawking | | | | big fat melon," she said nonchalantly. |
| chickens at the same time, then chase down the | | | | Little Grandma stomped out of the ocean cabin with |
| headless bodies and pluck the feathers in sixty | | | | her black sensible shoes, her angry shoeprints marking |
| seconds flat. She'd throw them in a pot and have | | | | her route in the sand. At first, when she arrived at the |
| dinner ready in thirty minutes with heaping helpings of | | | | pier, she didn't see any of the boys, only dating couples |
| mashed potatoes and biscuits on the side. | | | | and sailors. But then her fast eye caught George |
| She always wore her sensible black lace up shoes, | | | | crouched above the doorway to the bathroom, his |
| which would soon come to be known in family lore as | | | | shadow looking like a vulture waiting to pounce upon its |
| The Hammer Shoes. She wore the Hammer Shoes | | | | prey, she noticed that he indeed had a hammer ready |
| constantly, whatever the weather, and even when she | | | | to drop. |
| strode along the beach. You wouldn't catch her | | | | Richard and Harold were nowhere to be seen and |
| barefoot or even near the water. The boys would try | | | | George, owing to his single-minded concentration, failed |
| to talk her into the water but she always said, "The | | | | to notice Little Grandma standing about twelve feet |
| only good thing that comes out of the ocean is dinner | | | | from him, madder than a hornet. To think her grand |
| and mermaids, and you don't need any mermaids." | | | | boys were out in public acting like the Three Stooges. |
| She generally had the boys under some kind of | | | | No one misbehaved under Little Grandma's watch. |
| chaotic control. She had to, being the only adult figure | | | | Then the door squeaked beneath George as Richard |
| for the summer. And the boys couldn't put anything | | | | and Harold emerged from the bathroom. They didn't |
| past Little Grandma. Before the nefarious trio could | | | | see George above the doorway readying the big drop |
| come in for dinner, she would make each of them turn | | | | on Richard's head. |
| out their pockets. Harold was the youngest. You could | | | | They had never seen Little Grandma run before, and |
| always be sure that Harold's pockets, when turned out, | | | | now knew why the chickens never had a chance. |
| were full of food and sand. He'd have bits of bacon | | | | George lost his balance in slow motion as Richard and |
| from breakfast 'that he saved just in case he got | | | | Harold stepped aside when they caught sight of Little |
| hungry' intermingled with sand and bits of crust from | | | | Grandma coming at them like a torpedo. And then it |
| the sandwich from lunch. One time he lined his pocket | | | | happened; George landed on top of Little Grandma, |
| with cello wrap and tried to pour orange pop into his | | | | her little stubby legs jackknifing into the sea air as one |
| pocket, it didn't work. | | | | of her sensible shoes flew off the side of the pier and |
| Richard and George, who were a little older than | | | | into the wide Pacific. |
| Harold, had entirely different contents in their pockets, | | | | George froze. Richard froze. Harold froze. And Little |
| which Little Grandma was always wary of. Their | | | | Grandma didn't. |
| pockets always wriggled with something and smelled | | | | She grabbed one of George's ears and with the other |
| like rotten fish. Not only that, there were usually hermit | | | | determined hand grabbed hold of Richard's ear and in |
| crab claws sticking out of the top hem of the pocket. | | | | one fell swoop pulled them both off the ground. With |
| Each morning, Little Grandma would feed the boys | | | | as much dignity as she could muster, she limped off |
| biscuits and jam, sometimes an egg with bacon, then | | | | with one sensible shoe an ear in each little pinched |
| would send them on their way for the day. "Watch | | | | hand. Now they knew how the chickens felt. |
| little Harold!" she would yell as they went running up the | | | | "Grandma, your shoe is floating in the water," Harold |
| beach toward the pier. Those boys would run out that | | | | shouted, playing the role of "the good one." |
| door with dried milk moustaches and their hair sticking | | | | Little Grandma didn't say a word. She just limped up |
| up in all different directions. "Be home by suppertime!" | | | | the beach with two ears and Harold trailing behind her. |
| George, Richard, and Harold would grab their fishing | | | | George and Richard hung out around the cabin the |
| poles, a can full of worms, and run all the way to the | | | | rest of the summer, except for a few hours each |
| pier. They weren't bad boys, just full of boyness and | | | | morning when they would pack up their fishing poles |
| mischief. They always thought that Little Grandma | | | | and catch some fish to sell to the ladies with big straw |
| never knew what they were up to but she had her | | | | hats. You see, they had to pay for a new pair of |
| ring of spies down at the pier. | | | | shoes for Little Grandma. And by the end of the |
| Unbeknownst to the three musky-teers, she had the | | | | summer, when Little Grandma had her new shoes, she |
| summer girls (the ones who loved to tattle and gossip) | | | | made sure to let the boys know that as nice and as |
| give her a report every hour about her grandsons. | | | | new as they were, they were never as comfortable |
| "George pinched Harold" one of them would say, "and | | | | as her hammer shoes. |