Little Wisp of a Grandma

Back in the day, people who had some kind ofHarold pushed him off the pier." "They're catching fish
strange, unknown ailment were generally taken to theand selling them for five cents apiece to the ladies with
ocean for the summer. Illnesses miraculouslythe big straw hats." Little Grandma would secretly
disappeared over a stay at the ocean. And everysmile at the boys resourcefulness.
year like clockwork, right about the time my dad andOnly once did Little Grandma go to the pier to fetch
his brothers were out of elementary school, Littlethe boys. One of the summer girls came to give their
Grandma would get the vapors. Now I'm not quite surehourly report.
what the vapors were, but she always got them"George is waiting for Richard with a hammer," one of
nonetheless. So at school's end all three boys and Littlethe summer girls reported.
Grandma would be driven to the ocean and dropped"What did you say?" asked a shocked Little Grandma.
off at the small wooden cabin."George is waiting for Richard with a hammer. Richard
Little Grandma was a little wisp of a woman. She wasmade fun of George's hair in front of a girl and now
4' 8" with a tiny swirling mess of white hair tossed intoGeorge is waiting at the top of the doorway for
a bun. But don't let her size kid you. When she was atRichard with a hammer. Said he's gonna drop it on his
home, she could wring the neck of two squawkingbig fat melon," she said nonchalantly.
chickens at the same time, then chase down theLittle Grandma stomped out of the ocean cabin with
headless bodies and pluck the feathers in sixtyher black sensible shoes, her angry shoeprints marking
seconds flat. She'd throw them in a pot and haveher route in the sand. At first, when she arrived at the
dinner ready in thirty minutes with heaping helpings ofpier, she didn't see any of the boys, only dating couples
mashed potatoes and biscuits on the side.and sailors. But then her fast eye caught George
She always wore her sensible black lace up shoes,crouched above the doorway to the bathroom, his
which would soon come to be known in family lore asshadow looking like a vulture waiting to pounce upon its
The Hammer Shoes. She wore the Hammer Shoesprey, she noticed that he indeed had a hammer ready
constantly, whatever the weather, and even when sheto drop.
strode along the beach. You wouldn't catch herRichard and Harold were nowhere to be seen and
barefoot or even near the water. The boys would tryGeorge, owing to his single-minded concentration, failed
to talk her into the water but she always said, "Theto notice Little Grandma standing about twelve feet
only good thing that comes out of the ocean is dinnerfrom him, madder than a hornet. To think her grand
and mermaids, and you don't need any mermaids."boys were out in public acting like the Three Stooges.
She generally had the boys under some kind ofNo one misbehaved under Little Grandma's watch.
chaotic control. She had to, being the only adult figureThen the door squeaked beneath George as Richard
for the summer. And the boys couldn't put anythingand Harold emerged from the bathroom. They didn't
past Little Grandma. Before the nefarious trio couldsee George above the doorway readying the big drop
come in for dinner, she would make each of them turnon Richard's head.
out their pockets. Harold was the youngest. You couldThey had never seen Little Grandma run before, and
always be sure that Harold's pockets, when turned out,now knew why the chickens never had a chance.
were full of food and sand. He'd have bits of baconGeorge lost his balance in slow motion as Richard and
from breakfast 'that he saved just in case he gotHarold stepped aside when they caught sight of Little
hungry' intermingled with sand and bits of crust fromGrandma coming at them like a torpedo. And then it
the sandwich from lunch. One time he lined his pockethappened; George landed on top of Little Grandma,
with cello wrap and tried to pour orange pop into hisher little stubby legs jackknifing into the sea air as one
pocket, it didn't work.of her sensible shoes flew off the side of the pier and
Richard and George, who were a little older thaninto the wide Pacific.
Harold, had entirely different contents in their pockets,George froze. Richard froze. Harold froze. And Little
which Little Grandma was always wary of. TheirGrandma didn't.
pockets always wriggled with something and smelledShe grabbed one of George's ears and with the other
like rotten fish. Not only that, there were usually hermitdetermined hand grabbed hold of Richard's ear and in
crab claws sticking out of the top hem of the pocket.one fell swoop pulled them both off the ground. With
Each morning, Little Grandma would feed the boysas much dignity as she could muster, she limped off
biscuits and jam, sometimes an egg with bacon, thenwith one sensible shoe an ear in each little pinched
would send them on their way for the day. "Watchhand. Now they knew how the chickens felt.
little Harold!" she would yell as they went running up the"Grandma, your shoe is floating in the water," Harold
beach toward the pier. Those boys would run out thatshouted, playing the role of "the good one."
door with dried milk moustaches and their hair stickingLittle Grandma didn't say a word. She just limped up
up in all different directions. "Be home by suppertime!"the beach with two ears and Harold trailing behind her.
George, Richard, and Harold would grab their fishingGeorge and Richard hung out around the cabin the
poles, a can full of worms, and run all the way to therest of the summer, except for a few hours each
pier. They weren't bad boys, just full of boyness andmorning when they would pack up their fishing poles
mischief. They always thought that Little Grandmaand catch some fish to sell to the ladies with big straw
never knew what they were up to but she had herhats. You see, they had to pay for a new pair of
ring of spies down at the pier.shoes for Little Grandma. And by the end of the
Unbeknownst to the three musky-teers, she had thesummer, when Little Grandma had her new shoes, she
summer girls (the ones who loved to tattle and gossip)made sure to let the boys know that as nice and as
give her a report every hour about her grandsons.new as they were, they were never as comfortable
"George pinched Harold" one of them would say, "andas her hammer shoes.